Showing posts with label change of heart. Show all posts
Showing posts with label change of heart. Show all posts
Saturday, June 4, 2011
Saturday, February 19, 2011
Friday, October 9, 2009
The Price of Admission
My life over that past few weeks has been a study in deep dark. In shadows. Breakdowns. Broken hearts. Glimpses. Changes. Internal battles. Coming into a new awareness of me. Working the hard won epiphany.
So much goes on, moving fast and hard. Where the light did little more than highlight the dark. There was a heavy march of change. One that I felt was going to happen, had happened, whether I was ready or not. Maybe I just didn't realize how ready I was. Source seems to be bringing me, I seem to be attracting situations, that feel big...bigger than I can handle. A rush of emotions, of events. Change at gale force.
Through it all, I saw myself going through the 5 stages of grieving. Denial. Anger. Bargaining. Depression. Acceptance. I dance a quick 2 step through the stages. Bouncing forward. Jump back. Touch a toe here and then there.
I go through these stages as others do. Physically and emotionally. Intellectually.
When I go through what appears to be a difficult shift in situation or perspective, I deluge myself with the thought of what is. And won't be. It isn't to torture myself, though that may certainly be one outcome. I do it to force the change. No, not force the change. Push the acceptance.
While doing this, I feel weak and small and like everything I face is far bigger than me. But I keep going because that is how I am wired. I keep telling myself over and over what the changes mean until I can do it without tears. I can only imagine what it is like for those who are able to divorce themselves of attachment. That can compartmentalize. Can distract themselves. We all cope differently.
Then I can begin to see some light. Begin to see not just the dark but how the light lines it. Butts up to it. Exists side by side. I can begin to see that the dark doesn't bleed into the light the way that my fear bleed into my hope.
I start to see and feel the change as gradual. Though it may come as the first cool autumn day suddenly arrives, I know that it is over time. A bit at a time. For though a situation may change, its full impact is only felt when and how we process it. I can have a great loss and not know about it. While I am unaware, it makes no difference to me. When I discover this loss, then the journey begins. The denial. The blind rage. The begging. The shutdown. The knowing. And then moving on.
But it happens a bit at a time. At least for me.
I have long since thought of myself as a godspark. One little bit of source in a sea of other sparks. I felt small but like I could. I just could. Somehow make my way. I might know not exactly how to get where I am going. But to keep focused. If I all I could do is to keep my eye on the one foot in front of the other.
One morning, I opened the door to find this slug that had traveled on a rainy night up my storm door. When I opened the inner door I was face to literally face with him. I could see the circles where he can curled up and rested. His ascension trail. And I wondered why. Why did he do this? It takes a good amount of time and I am guessing energy to travel that much and against gravity to go up. But he did.
And if he could do this, without an evident to the outside world reason, then I too must be free to move in my own circles.
No one has to understand. No one else has to get on board for the ride.
And while I am a small part of the whole, I am not small. My circles will be evident. My presence known.
Especially if I take the risk to go further and outside lines, like this slug and Jonathon Livingston Seagull. Yeah, I might travel part way alone but I have decided it is worth the price of admission to extraordinary.
And even if I fly alone, to my grandest vision of me...even if I fly alone, I can know that there are others out there. Doing their thing. Getting all extraordinary and stuff. Knowing that it is a wild and delicious ride. Dips and all.
It is always in the knowing that I find my light. In the knowing, feel peace. In the knowing, know.
So much goes on, moving fast and hard. Where the light did little more than highlight the dark. There was a heavy march of change. One that I felt was going to happen, had happened, whether I was ready or not. Maybe I just didn't realize how ready I was. Source seems to be bringing me, I seem to be attracting situations, that feel big...bigger than I can handle. A rush of emotions, of events. Change at gale force.
Through it all, I saw myself going through the 5 stages of grieving. Denial. Anger. Bargaining. Depression. Acceptance. I dance a quick 2 step through the stages. Bouncing forward. Jump back. Touch a toe here and then there.I go through these stages as others do. Physically and emotionally. Intellectually.
When I go through what appears to be a difficult shift in situation or perspective, I deluge myself with the thought of what is. And won't be. It isn't to torture myself, though that may certainly be one outcome. I do it to force the change. No, not force the change. Push the acceptance.
While doing this, I feel weak and small and like everything I face is far bigger than me. But I keep going because that is how I am wired. I keep telling myself over and over what the changes mean until I can do it without tears. I can only imagine what it is like for those who are able to divorce themselves of attachment. That can compartmentalize. Can distract themselves. We all cope differently.
Then I can begin to see some light. Begin to see not just the dark but how the light lines it. Butts up to it. Exists side by side. I can begin to see that the dark doesn't bleed into the light the way that my fear bleed into my hope.
I start to see and feel the change as gradual. Though it may come as the first cool autumn day suddenly arrives, I know that it is over time. A bit at a time. For though a situation may change, its full impact is only felt when and how we process it. I can have a great loss and not know about it. While I am unaware, it makes no difference to me. When I discover this loss, then the journey begins. The denial. The blind rage. The begging. The shutdown. The knowing. And then moving on.But it happens a bit at a time. At least for me.
I have long since thought of myself as a godspark. One little bit of source in a sea of other sparks. I felt small but like I could. I just could. Somehow make my way. I might know not exactly how to get where I am going. But to keep focused. If I all I could do is to keep my eye on the one foot in front of the other.
One morning, I opened the door to find this slug that had traveled on a rainy night up my storm door. When I opened the inner door I was face to literally face with him. I could see the circles where he can curled up and rested. His ascension trail. And I wondered why. Why did he do this? It takes a good amount of time and I am guessing energy to travel that much and against gravity to go up. But he did.
And if he could do this, without an evident to the outside world reason, then I too must be free to move in my own circles.
No one has to understand. No one else has to get on board for the ride.
And while I am a small part of the whole, I am not small. My circles will be evident. My presence known.
Especially if I take the risk to go further and outside lines, like this slug and Jonathon Livingston Seagull. Yeah, I might travel part way alone but I have decided it is worth the price of admission to extraordinary.
And even if I fly alone, to my grandest vision of me...even if I fly alone, I can know that there are others out there. Doing their thing. Getting all extraordinary and stuff. Knowing that it is a wild and delicious ride. Dips and all.
It is always in the knowing that I find my light. In the knowing, feel peace. In the knowing, know.
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