i had a crazy dream...

i had a wild dream this week. a wild, beautiful dream.

with all the usual oddities about time and place and who is who of the dream world, i dreamt that i was part of a spectacular renovation of maybe a downtown adjacent group of space.

i only wish that i could describe what was done in these spaces. innovative, creative, striking, liveable, simply gorgeous spaces.

there was an eclectic, stylish to her bones black woman who oversaw the first project. she had a vision of what she wanted but not down to the particulars. she brought in different people to take charge of different rooms. one designer did an amazing job. the lighting was magical. illuminating but soft and transcendent. like being in the glow of a giant firefly. the space was three open stories and there were some pretty fabulous dividers. as the tour went through showing us what was done, the dividers in the three story space were retracted showing a completely different and truly amazing space. a totally new flow and incredibly inventive space. i was brought to tears by the sheer beauty and creativity that went into the room. 

another space was a mosaic of natural water features and plants and sitting areas that were organically incorporated into this space. i thought how creative these waterfalls and moss beds and things, again, i can't even explain here, were.  stunning. 


after this, i was told that i would be in charge of the next group of spaces. i panicked internally. i couldn't produce something that could come close to the sheer genius of the first group. 


then a little voice in my head said 'you don't have to know what to do. you don't have to be as creative as these people. it's a collaboration. find the right people.' and i felt better. and more empowered. someone said i would make a gm.


i often have dreams that are delivering me messages. often i will wake with a phrase from a song that is running over and over again, telling me something that i need to hear. 


so upon awaking from this dream, i thought, 'oh, i get it. i don't have to know everything. i just have to pull the right people together who can create all these things that i could never think of.'


pause.


and then i realized that it was ME who created all of the things in the dream that brought me to tears. it was me.

confessions of a shadow girl

i want to be the light. i always want to be the light. i don't want to feel bad and if i do, i want it to be real short lived. in fact, i believe that people will only put up with me being shadowy for a real short time.
as i continue to work on this staying in the moment stuff, i am realizing more and more how often i take the opportunity to bolt.
and i will admit, that i feel bad about that. i feel bad about feeling bad. and when i feel that way, then everything feels like it gets real big, unwieldy, i get that bug feeling..the one where life is the windshield.
and i don't normally give myself much leeway. it doesn't matter if i am dealing with some health stuff or family stuff, both of which i have been dealing with for a while now.
no, i want to be the light.
i have no trouble stepping into that light for others. the moment i get to help someone, or make something for them, it seems that the sun shines within me.
i guess the reason i am writing this is to admit that i am human, that i am not always sunny. that i have shadows. i am not comfortable with that yet. there is a reason that i have bolted from these moments. they aren't fun. i am not at my best then. i don't feel my best then. i think that i am disconnected to the wind beneath my wings, to borrow a phrase. but, as i choose to stay in this moment, i will get used to it. and that is enough right now.