Wednesday, September 23, 2009

this is my life

The past few days or week has been really dark for me. It started with being 'dumped' by a long time though rather distant friend. Yeah, that hurt but not like it would have if we had been meant to be friends now. So I processed it, appreciated the time we had and sent love her way.
But there was a much bigger process about to begin and I didn't even realize it. After saying goodbye to my friend, I felt better. I felt freer and lighter and even a bit excited. And none of that was what I expected to feel. Those feelings told me I was taking right action.
Of course, those feelings weren't the only ones I had and this situation opened up a deep black questioning for me.
How should my life be? What do I want to fill my life? Where do I have that and what am I missing?
I have made some big changes and requested help for the big changes in my life that I need but can't do by myself.
Something inside of me snapped and I really don't feel like the same person. I feel like I have had a quantum shift.
I was about to say that I wish I knew what that means for me next or where I am going but then I realized, before I could even type it, that just isn't true. I don't want to know right now.
I am still tender. I have to laugh when I think of my favorite aunt who has always said that I have a tender heart. I do. I don't wear it on my sleeve but all over me like skin.
And yet I have been told repeatedly how strong I am.
I am both.
I am both.
Today I am feeling tender, a bit raw but hopeful nonetheless.
Tomorrow, I will be ready for you when you get here.
Instead of sharing a photo of mine as I often do, I am including this link that really made me laugh. I want you to laugh. As much and as heartily as you can, every day.
Life doesn't have to be what we expect. It can be what we want.

Monday, September 21, 2009

it was a moment

source sent me a butterfly

it flew so close
and landed on my outstretched hand
i watched it tasting my skin
knowing it was the salt from
my tears

it was black and blue, like my heart
but shimmered
making the colors magic
not like pain

it came three times and went four
was it for the comfort it gave
or did that delicate touch bring me
remind me that the most delicious of connections are fleeting

i am supposed to be a big girl now
so evolved that i can just appreciate
the moments of have
and release the moments of have not

i am not

not yet

Thursday, September 17, 2009


I got dumped today.
In an email.
By a friend of about 15 or so years.
It is so weird. She just didn't want to be friends with me anymore. Nothing happened.
I feel so sad, so hurt, so angry. There are battle words within me. But, how could you, but, but, but, are you kidding me?
My eyes are sore from crying and as I write this around 2am, I am exhausted but not ready to sleep.
There is the part of me that says it's time. Maybe it has been for a long time.
One thing she said in her email was that the greatest gift you can give is the gift of time. I know that she meant time together.
But now, on this side of the friendship, I finally feel that I have the time. The time to move on. To let go. To open space for something else. Something that serves me. Something empowering.
I feel great love for her and always have. But we are in different spaces. Different perspectives.
It has me thinking of the things that I hang onto that perhaps I should have let go of before. But one thing that I have never been good at is letting go when there is love. I don't like to close doors. I don't know in this moment what will be true tomorrow or in 20 years. So how do I say goodbye? This is an 'adieu' God. Not an 'au revoir'...until we meet again.
I am going to be bare here...I don't understand saying goodbye to someone who you say you love. Okay, you don't want to be married to that person or date them or be friends but goodbye? I am in a time of transition. In my business, in my personal life. Looking at life creatively and deciding what I want more of, what I want less of. I want awesome friends. I have awesome friends now but I think what I was thinking about without realizing it was that I don't want uneven friendships. I want friends who are all in. That doesn't mean you are in each other's business all the time but it is knowing that person will be there for you, in the wild times, good and bad and the quiet times. That there is a connection between you that transcends emails, chat time and even time together.
It is that level of connection that I want.
This is the time in my life when okay isn't good enough.
And that is a good time. I think Bette Davis said "Hang on, it's going to be a bumpy ride."
Life is a bumpy ride but one that is really worth it.
I send a flood of love out there. Puffy eyes and a slightly bruised heart, all the while knowing that love is worth it all.