I got dumped today.
In an email.
By a friend of about 15 or so years.
It is so weird. She just didn't want to be friends with me anymore. Nothing happened.
I feel so sad, so hurt, so angry. There are battle words within me. But, how could you, but, but, but, are you kidding me?
My eyes are sore from crying and as I write this around 2am, I am exhausted but not ready to sleep.
There is the part of me that says it's time. Maybe it has been for a long time.
One thing she said in her email was that the greatest gift you can give is the gift of time. I know that she meant time together.
But now, on this side of the friendship, I finally feel that I have the time. The time to move on. To let go. To open space for something else. Something that serves me. Something empowering.
I feel great love for her and always have. But we are in different spaces. Different perspectives.
It has me thinking of the things that I hang onto that perhaps I should have let go of before. But one thing that I have never been good at is letting go when there is love. I don't like to close doors. I don't know in this moment what will be true tomorrow or in 20 years. So how do I say goodbye? This is an 'adieu'...to God. Not an 'au revoir'...until we meet again.
I am going to be bare here...I don't understand saying goodbye to someone who you say you love. Okay, you don't want to be married to that person or date them or be friends but goodbye? I am in a time of transition. In my business, in my personal life. Looking at life creatively and deciding what I want more of, what I want less of. I want awesome friends. I have awesome friends now but I think what I was thinking about without realizing it was that I don't want uneven friendships. I want friends who are all in. That doesn't mean you are in each other's business all the time but it is knowing that person will be there for you, in the wild times, good and bad and the quiet times. That there is a connection between you that transcends emails, chat time and even time together.
It is that level of connection that I want.
This is the time in my life when okay isn't good enough.
And that is a good time. I think Bette Davis said "Hang on, it's going to be a bumpy ride."
Life is a bumpy ride but one that is really worth it.
I send a flood of love out there. Puffy eyes and a slightly bruised heart, all the while knowing that love is worth it all.