Wednesday, April 28, 2010

confessions of a shadow girl

i want to be the light. i always want to be the light. i don't want to feel bad and if i do, i want it to be real short lived. in fact, i believe that people will only put up with me being shadowy for a real short time.
as i continue to work on this staying in the moment stuff, i am realizing more and more how often i take the opportunity to bolt.
and i will admit, that i feel bad about that. i feel bad about feeling bad. and when i feel that way, then everything feels like it gets real big, unwieldy, i get that bug feeling..the one where life is the windshield.
and i don't normally give myself much leeway. it doesn't matter if i am dealing with some health stuff or family stuff, both of which i have been dealing with for a while now.
no, i want to be the light.
i have no trouble stepping into that light for others. the moment i get to help someone, or make something for them, it seems that the sun shines within me.
i guess the reason i am writing this is to admit that i am human, that i am not always sunny. that i have shadows. i am not comfortable with that yet. there is a reason that i have bolted from these moments. they aren't fun. i am not at my best then. i don't feel my best then. i think that i am disconnected to the wind beneath my wings, to borrow a phrase. but, as i choose to stay in this moment, i will get used to it. and that is enough right now.

Monday, April 26, 2010

it's complicated, well kinda

i am reading Women Food and God. it is quite an amazing book for anyone who uses anything, any kind of activity or substance, to feel better about...well, anything.
one of the first things that struck me was when the author, geneen roth, said "Never underestimate the urge to bolt." to run away. withdraw. to protect yourself by whatever means.
this is so powerful for me.
she talks about staying present in the moment, feeling whatever you might be running from. boredom. fear. loneliness. angry. whatever it is.
when i read that part about bolting, i knew it was important to me. i really didn't understand how i could feel anymore than i already was. i KNOW how i feel. i KNOW why i am feeling it. i know and know and know and know.
but i don't feel it. i am intellectualizing it. analyzing.
and bolting.
to food. to talking with someone. to doing something for someone. to making something. to looking for new ideas. like this tree. coming from one source and then fracturing.
anything but feel that i am lonely or bored or tired or uninspired or lacking or really pissed or think that i am just not good enough.
so i have been becoming more conscious about staying in the moment. staying. in. the. moment.
this is a new understanding for me. yeah, i have heard time and time again to be in the moment, not to go elsewhere because life is now.
but this is about intentionally not bolting from the moment.
that is different to me.
strength isn't about just enduring the gale force winds. it's not just about seeing life as a batten down the hatches and hang on.
it's about knowing that the wind can blow as hard as it wants, and it can tear my house down and throw all my stuff in the next county, but i will be fine. i won't crumble.
tonight i had a visceral knee jerk reaction of distrust. i quickly realized that i wanted to bolt. to run and get away from the feeling that i would be hurt, that i was in emotional danger.
i wanted to lash out. to immediately hash out the issue. confront the other person. this wasn't communication in a healthy sort of way. it was the need to be told that everything is good, okay. that i was wrong and that i am safe.
so it isn't only food that i use for comfort.
but it's okay. because i am learning to stay in the moment.
and finding that, in fact, the moment is a pretty cool place to be.

Sunday, April 18, 2010

road trip

Erik and I went on a short photo safari this weekend. Headed off to the outer banks, hitting spots between Nags Head and Hatteras. It was great fun. Just roaming around looking for a photo opp. It was a cloudy day but the lighthouse was beautiful as ever.

We stopped at the visitors center as we got to the Outer Banks and there was a long wooden boardwalk that ran parallel to the bridgeway. We took a stroll down there and I was just captivated by the views under the bridge. Where the water was, is and the stage of wet that the dirt was in. I loved the bans on the bridge supports. Sometimes there were motorcycles crossing overhead with some bike rally nearby. Sometimes it was just a crow's call or some mysterious chirping somewhere. Air...perfection. Beach breezy, sky mingled with overcast and perfect cool know, the kind where it is happy on the skin when you are resting and cooling when you are moving around a lot. We saw all sorts of plants that I couldn't identify.
As we were walking back towards the car for the next leg of the exploration, a bright green lizard darted across the boardwalk, right under Erik's foot. Nearly stepping on the little sucker was what caught Erik's attention and I got to see the little fellow before he went over the edge.

This was a new friend that I made while at the base of the lighthouse. He wasn't a mouse. But he was teeny. Looked kind of like a bitty gerbily type fellow. He wasn't the brightest mouse in the lighthouse but he was so cute. I tried to get him to stay away from the tourists (you know, with me being an OBX native...hehe) and so I walked with him for a while. Probably about 10 minutes. Cute little guy.
One of the great little treasures that I found while walking on the beach was a tiny footprint. I snapped a shot of it then realized there was no perspective so I put my foot next to it. Cool.

I was trying Erik's way of walking on the beach. Since it is too cool to go into the water still, we were just walking the beach. He wears his tennies and socks to make walking easier. I am a throw the shoes off, probably sandals and get that sands all over my feetsies. Well, I was going to be oh so clever and not get my feet all sandy. It lasted until I walked down to the water and the second wave to hit shore moved faster than me. Yup, socks and shoes were wet and came off. Yippee! The toes hit the sand then the water and got all perfectly beachy. I just left my sneaks on the beach while we explored and took in the sights.
Lots of fun. Lots of photos. Just wanted to share a few moments of the get away.