Monday, April 26, 2010
it's complicated, well kinda
i am reading Women Food and God. it is quite an amazing book for anyone who uses anything, any kind of activity or substance, to feel better about...well, anything.
one of the first things that struck me was when the author, geneen roth, said "Never underestimate the urge to bolt." to run away. withdraw. to protect yourself by whatever means.
this is so powerful for me.
she talks about staying present in the moment, feeling whatever you might be running from. boredom. fear. loneliness. angry. whatever it is.
when i read that part about bolting, i knew it was important to me. i really didn't understand how i could feel anymore than i already was. i KNOW how i feel. i KNOW why i am feeling it. i know and know and know and know.
but i don't feel it. i am intellectualizing it. analyzing.
to food. to talking with someone. to doing something for someone. to making something. to looking for new ideas. like this tree. coming from one source and then fracturing.
anything but feel that i am lonely or bored or tired or uninspired or lacking or really pissed or think that i am just not good enough.
so i have been becoming more conscious about staying in the moment. staying. in. the. moment.
this is a new understanding for me. yeah, i have heard time and time again to be in the moment, not to go elsewhere because life is now.
but this is about intentionally not bolting from the moment.
that is different to me.
strength isn't about just enduring the gale force winds. it's not just about seeing life as a batten down the hatches and hang on.
it's about knowing that the wind can blow as hard as it wants, and it can tear my house down and throw all my stuff in the next county, but i will be fine. i won't crumble.
tonight i had a visceral knee jerk reaction of distrust. i quickly realized that i wanted to bolt. to run and get away from the feeling that i would be hurt, that i was in emotional danger.
i wanted to lash out. to immediately hash out the issue. confront the other person. this wasn't communication in a healthy sort of way. it was the need to be told that everything is good, okay. that i was wrong and that i am safe.
so it isn't only food that i use for comfort.
but it's okay. because i am learning to stay in the moment.
and finding that, in fact, the moment is a pretty cool place to be.