i want to be the light. i always want to be the light. i don't want to feel bad and if i do, i want it to be real short lived. in fact, i believe that people will only put up with me being shadowy for a real short time.
as i continue to work on this staying in the moment stuff, i am realizing more and more how often i take the opportunity to bolt.
and i will admit, that i feel bad about that. i feel bad about feeling bad. and when i feel that way, then everything feels like it gets real big, unwieldy, i get that bug feeling..the one where life is the windshield.
and i don't normally give myself much leeway. it doesn't matter if i am dealing with some health stuff or family stuff, both of which i have been dealing with for a while now.
no, i want to be the light.
i have no trouble stepping into that light for others. the moment i get to help someone, or make something for them, it seems that the sun shines within me.
i guess the reason i am writing this is to admit that i am human, that i am not always sunny. that i have shadows. i am not comfortable with that yet. there is a reason that i have bolted from these moments. they aren't fun. i am not at my best then. i don't feel my best then. i think that i am disconnected to the wind beneath my wings, to borrow a phrase. but, as i choose to stay in this moment, i will get used to it. and that is enough right now.