Wednesday, April 28, 2010

confessions of a shadow girl

i want to be the light. i always want to be the light. i don't want to feel bad and if i do, i want it to be real short lived. in fact, i believe that people will only put up with me being shadowy for a real short time.
as i continue to work on this staying in the moment stuff, i am realizing more and more how often i take the opportunity to bolt.
and i will admit, that i feel bad about that. i feel bad about feeling bad. and when i feel that way, then everything feels like it gets real big, unwieldy, i get that bug feeling..the one where life is the windshield.
and i don't normally give myself much leeway. it doesn't matter if i am dealing with some health stuff or family stuff, both of which i have been dealing with for a while now.
no, i want to be the light.
i have no trouble stepping into that light for others. the moment i get to help someone, or make something for them, it seems that the sun shines within me.
i guess the reason i am writing this is to admit that i am human, that i am not always sunny. that i have shadows. i am not comfortable with that yet. there is a reason that i have bolted from these moments. they aren't fun. i am not at my best then. i don't feel my best then. i think that i am disconnected to the wind beneath my wings, to borrow a phrase. but, as i choose to stay in this moment, i will get used to it. and that is enough right now.

1 comment:

bertie said...

Hi Ellie...I am new to Kelly Rae's "Taking Flight" and came across your blog.My heart so goes out to you in these words you express. I lost both of my parents within a year and know what is means to want "to bolt" from pain and grief. If I may encourage you...keep walking into the midst of your pain and feel it. Bolting only prolongs is scary, yes. But, in the future someday, you will be amazed at the growth and gratitude that pain will leave you with...grieving and tears are signs of a life well lived, filled with love. May you blessed in your journey and comforted by the love that remains in you forever.