Thursday, July 21, 2016

around the corner

*another stray, but don't wanna lose' blog post from who knows when...*
around I feel like I am rounding the corners in my mind.
Feeling good. Feeling unsure. Feeling on the outside.
I admit to the occasional trust issues.
I know that I am an emotional being. I feel things. I remember places by the feelings I had while I was there. A breeze or the way the clouds skittered in the sky.
The way that I felt walking to school when I was in 4th grade.
So I go by my feelings. But sometimes I have trouble telling the difference between my intuition and my fear.
The trust isn't just about other people. It is me, too.
Several years ago, I had a couple of friends who were the kind of people that you always have to contact. They want to do stuff but you have to contact them. I brought up how I would really love to have the relationship be more equal. I vowed to not contact them the next time.
Let's put it this way...I am over it now.
But I admit to some insecurity. I have a friend who is part of me. We are soulmates on some level. But the communication can be sketchy. When this happens, as it is now, the dark in me starts to worry. Can I trust my friend? Am I important to them?
It is really unproductive. It doesn't serve me or my friend on any level. It doesn't feel good.
But I am human and this is part of the experience of being me.
I get to learn trust. It's kind of weird because when I trust, I TRUST. And I give trust first. It isn't hard to get my trust. I give it off the bat. If I were a teacher, I would give everyone a 100 and work from there.
But it is hard for me to believe if that trust has been dented.
I think that trust comes down to the extent to which we believe that we can handle a situation. If we think that we can handle whatever comes along, we trust. If we are not so sure , then we don't trust as much.
I just feel that I am going round and round the spirals of my head. I am feeling one of the side effects of being human. I also got to feel joy, wonder, appreciation, love, connected and relaxed today. A package deal.

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