Wednesday, March 18, 2009

Dead azaleas

I have a couple of dead azaleas.
I think they died last year. Not one to give up too soon, I gave them a 365 day grace period. But it's pretty's time for them to go. Soon I will get the shovel out and release them from their earthly shackles.
Whatever will I do with the space? And will I lose all concept of the volume of space I have available and go on a plant buying spree?
It has me thinking about my life. I am torn between the clean lines of organized living and the chaotic life of a creative. (New term that I love and am adopting.)
I have the mixed blessing of having 2 young pups and 3 cats. Lots of pet hair. Lots of things that were too beautiful not to get. And not enough room.
Don't get me wrong. While I was born with the genes to land up on a pack rat episode of Oprah, those genes are mostly dormant. Unless it is paper or craft supplies.
But I keep being called to purge. I do this pretty regularly but never seem to make any headway.
Then there is the emotional tie. I still have some stuffed animals. Did I mention that I am 47? Not tons but the ones I have, have meaning.
What if I get rid of something and then miss it? I actually gave an earthen ocarina to a friend a while back and didn't get over it. I actually asked for it back after a few months. Can you even imagine?
But I give a lot away. A lot. Fortunately I have a few good outlets for giving. But not enough energy to keep it up. I do best when I am truly not in the mood to clean. That's when there is a mass exodus.
I want to create a new way of being. I have what I want. I want what I have. I live in the moment and that which surrounds me is there because it has meaning to me now.
I don't know how to reconcile the emotional attachment vs the currently meaningful great debate.
I guess it is one step at a time. Love what I have. If I can release it to someone who will love it more, then it is time to do so. If not, then don't. I think I am beginning to see the upside of a bad memory! If I give something away that I then decide I can't live without, I can wait awhile and forget all about it!
Perhaps this will be a lifelong battle. I don't know. All I can really think about now is what beauty will take the place of the azaleas.

1 comment:

Noodle on This said...

Hi, Ellie. How true this is -- we surround ourselves with what we love and hate to let it go. When I'm in a mood to purge, and I hesitate about giving something away, I think of it as "sharing" with the universe, as opposed to "giving away." It feels better. Plus, I remember all the wonderful things people have given me and how I felt receiving them. And my mind goes back to when my mother would bring home clothes from St. Vincent dePaul and lay them on my bed to see when I got home from school. I loved them and treasured them, even though they were used. So, I try to do the same for someone else, hoping s/he will have that same feeling when they receive or buy something I've "shared" with the universe and it's made its way to them.
You are so generous in so many ways! I've been a recipient, and truly appreciate you for your generous spirit.