soup

Out of focus.
Not knowing.
I took this photo at night, outside a restaurant. The red blur is a hungry person in search of some pasta. The blur on the left, the restaurant. The big white blur is the full moon- the largest of the year. This photo was an experiment in what my camera could do at night. Or rather an exercise in figuring out how to do what my camera can do at night. If the intention was to have a clear photo, then this was a failure. Blurry because I turned the flash off and the shutter had to stay open for a long time to gather light. The blur is me, my inability to hold the camera perfectly still while the shutter remained open, doing its thing.
But I love this photo. Its colors and composition. In fact, the blur of it seems pretty cool to me.
But maybe it's just because little seems clear to me right now. I am in flux. I am blurred. I am not sure where I am going, but know I am going somewhere. Not sure what to do, but know that something is on the horizon. My life coach recently told me that when a butterfly is in the cocoon, it goes through a stage of being like a soupy mix. Yuck. But I feel that I am in that soupy mix right now. Nothing to hold onto but I feel contained. Some transformation is going on but what it is is quite unclear. I am not sure that I will emerge a butterfly. But it would be nice.
I guess it comes down to my comfort level in not knowing, of being out of focus. I can't say that it is my natural comfort zone but I have spent enough time in that soupy mix to know that I can't rush it. I doubt the butterfly worries what it will become or where it will fly. But I can't help but wonder what I will emerge as. What version of me will be revealed?
I feel kind of bad that I feel this need for cocoon time. Like the rest of the world can move forward without holing up. But I have this need to allow myself to be out of focus. I came to this existence to grow. I guess I grow through cocooning! No answers here and in fact, maybe just more questions. Maybe what I am being called to do is to embrace the blur and find comfort in it while I am defining my new edges.
Yeah, maybe.